There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
