No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Even my vagina gasped.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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