oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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