It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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