i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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