I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
