I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
