Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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