i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
