i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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