Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
