i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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