Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
