I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
