So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
