when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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