1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
