When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
