Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
