I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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