My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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