i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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