You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
