Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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