I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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