You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
