there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
