I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
