do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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