why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
