Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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