apparently the secret to your success is patron
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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