plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
