I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize