I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
