oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
