Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
