He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize