I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
