I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
