He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
