you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
