end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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