EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
