Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
