Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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