like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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