So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
