im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
