You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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