I have demons in me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
