Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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