a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize