I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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